greetings
teachers' day celebration today. i skipped out on the "fun" and stayed home to study. not much got done so all you mugger toads who are hyperventilating at my sudden change of heart can relax and put your minds at rest.
today it dawned upon me that there is not a single part of me that's nice. no, not physically fuckers. i meant character and attributes. i really hope christians are wrong about heaven and hell because we all know where im going. seriously, i haven't got any of the conventional "good" characteristics. all of them are really evil, bad and plain undesirable. its like i just got all the traits that nobody wants and it all got packed into one vessel, and that vessel being me. come now, let's not label this post as "emo" and think about it for a second. there's not one part of me that's not flawed. im a big queer quirk who inherited all of satan's characteristics and i have no conscience. SHIT this IS actually depressing me. oh no im so bad (please don't get turned on. thank you.)
today it dawned upon me that not everyone wants to listen to my nonsense. in fact NOBODY wants to listen to my nonsense. and by nonsense i mean my warped views on life, religion, politics, race etc. everybody's scared of my nonsense. how am i supposed to know that there are actually people out there who want to live in complete and utter oblivion?? dammit i knew i shouldn't have told that 5 year old kid on the street that there's no such thing as god. i bet nobody wants to read this either. you guys probably just skim through the crap. i can say anything i want!! i could say fuck fuck fuck and nobody will know because nobody cares to read through my verbal poo. can you actually imagine pooping out of your mouth and eating through your butthole?? oh wait you wouldn't have to imagine!! you can just watch south park!! la la la la la. my opinion doesn't matter. nobody wants to hear what i say. uh ha ha uh ha ha ha ha ha (for imaginations sake, im laughing maniacally. sounds something like someone in a psychiatric ward. i had caffeine and this is the result of it). boohoohoo. rant rant rant. whine whine whine.
insanity runs in the family. dementia, devious manipulation, psycho ex wives, maid bashers, convicts etc. etc. etc. sigh... my life is like desperate housewives, except its with indians. my life's a cheaply made soap. *whine everyone hates me whine im unlovable whine im insane whine* okay, now we all know that aside from being evil without any hope of redemption, im also annoyingly whiny as well. okay NOW THAT IVE FULFILLED THAT LITTLE BLOGGING DUTY that you lot have been pestering me for, i can get to the good stuff.
today, kiddies, we're going to take a look at 6 people in pop culture that are walking talking embarrassments to mankind. more embarrassing than you or me of any other silly thing that you may ever do for the rest of your life. come now fuckers, let's forget about my own little puddle of word vomit. forget... forget... forget... forget... forget...
coming in at...
#6 Anne Heche
better known as ellen DeGeneres's ex-lesbian ex-partner who turned straight after tasting a bit of cameraman's cock. well the embarrassing bit isn't actually the molested by baptist gay father or the highly ambiguous sexual orientation. its actually even more embarrassing than either one. the getting molested part isn't really embarrassing just really sad. the ambiguous sexual orientation actually gives you some sympathy brownie points in hollywood these days. are you ready for this christians? she thinks she's...um...Celestia... JC's...um... half-sibling, making her...um... GOD'S DAUGHTER. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. have you contracted a hernia from laughing yet?
In her book, she explained that before her split with DeGeneres, she was contacted by God and was told that he would walk with her for seven days. oh wow, god sure does have a lot of free time eh... did i mention her mother is a christian psychotherapist? hmm...i wonder why she suddenly became 'not a lesbian' anymore? hmm... oh right... jesus's daughters can't really stick fingers up other girls' naughty places. i forgot. whoops. i think the fact that you just revealed to the whole world (okay, just to people who read your book) that you think you're the female jesus is enough reason for you to bury your head in a hole and never ever look up again. let's be fair (pfft), there are 5 other numb nuts who've won her out. barely.
teachers' day celebration today. i skipped out on the "fun" and stayed home to study. not much got done so all you mugger toads who are hyperventilating at my sudden change of heart can relax and put your minds at rest.
today it dawned upon me that there is not a single part of me that's nice. no, not physically fuckers. i meant character and attributes. i really hope christians are wrong about heaven and hell because we all know where im going. seriously, i haven't got any of the conventional "good" characteristics. all of them are really evil, bad and plain undesirable. its like i just got all the traits that nobody wants and it all got packed into one vessel, and that vessel being me. come now, let's not label this post as "emo" and think about it for a second. there's not one part of me that's not flawed. im a big queer quirk who inherited all of satan's characteristics and i have no conscience. SHIT this IS actually depressing me. oh no im so bad (please don't get turned on. thank you.)
today it dawned upon me that not everyone wants to listen to my nonsense. in fact NOBODY wants to listen to my nonsense. and by nonsense i mean my warped views on life, religion, politics, race etc. everybody's scared of my nonsense. how am i supposed to know that there are actually people out there who want to live in complete and utter oblivion?? dammit i knew i shouldn't have told that 5 year old kid on the street that there's no such thing as god. i bet nobody wants to read this either. you guys probably just skim through the crap. i can say anything i want!! i could say fuck fuck fuck and nobody will know because nobody cares to read through my verbal poo. can you actually imagine pooping out of your mouth and eating through your butthole?? oh wait you wouldn't have to imagine!! you can just watch south park!! la la la la la. my opinion doesn't matter. nobody wants to hear what i say. uh ha ha uh ha ha ha ha ha (for imaginations sake, im laughing maniacally. sounds something like someone in a psychiatric ward. i had caffeine and this is the result of it). boohoohoo. rant rant rant. whine whine whine.
insanity runs in the family. dementia, devious manipulation, psycho ex wives, maid bashers, convicts etc. etc. etc. sigh... my life is like desperate housewives, except its with indians. my life's a cheaply made soap. *whine everyone hates me whine im unlovable whine im insane whine* okay, now we all know that aside from being evil without any hope of redemption, im also annoyingly whiny as well. okay NOW THAT IVE FULFILLED THAT LITTLE BLOGGING DUTY that you lot have been pestering me for, i can get to the good stuff.
today, kiddies, we're going to take a look at 6 people in pop culture that are walking talking embarrassments to mankind. more embarrassing than you or me of any other silly thing that you may ever do for the rest of your life. come now fuckers, let's forget about my own little puddle of word vomit. forget... forget... forget... forget... forget...
coming in at...
#6 Anne Heche
better known as ellen DeGeneres's ex-lesbian ex-partner who turned straight after tasting a bit of cameraman's cock. well the embarrassing bit isn't actually the molested by baptist gay father or the highly ambiguous sexual orientation. its actually even more embarrassing than either one. the getting molested part isn't really embarrassing just really sad. the ambiguous sexual orientation actually gives you some sympathy brownie points in hollywood these days. are you ready for this christians? she thinks she's...um...Celestia... JC's...um... half-sibling, making her...um... GOD'S DAUGHTER. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. have you contracted a hernia from laughing yet?
In her book, she explained that before her split with DeGeneres, she was contacted by God and was told that he would walk with her for seven days. oh wow, god sure does have a lot of free time eh... did i mention her mother is a christian psychotherapist? hmm...i wonder why she suddenly became 'not a lesbian' anymore? hmm... oh right... jesus's daughters can't really stick fingers up other girls' naughty places. i forgot. whoops. i think the fact that you just revealed to the whole world (okay, just to people who read your book) that you think you're the female jesus is enough reason for you to bury your head in a hole and never ever look up again. let's be fair (pfft), there are 5 other numb nuts who've won her out. barely.#5 Eddie Murphy
yes, you guessed it. i don't think i was even alive when the spice girls came out, but im google savvy enough to know that eddie murphy dated the ugliest chick in the group, melanie brown. if you were that hard up for some spice, i would suggest any one of the other 4 up on the spice rack. seriously, that david really set a trend going eh? eddie, darling...you picked the worst spice, honey. she's scary spice for a reason, a good one too. now now, im not one to call dating ugly people embarrassing (well, i am, but only if you're a A-list actor. eddie murphy, my loves, is completely and utterly NOT an A-list actor). KNOCKING UP UGLY PEOPLE AND THEN DENYING IT BLATANTLY, unfortunately for you eddie boy, IS.
the embarrassing part is actually more about the denying bit. if you have sexual relations with a particularly hard up lady, you better be prepared to believe that you spawned her child (for she probably hadn't fucked anybody else). maybe he was just shocked and alarmed at the fact that he's had enough children to start a baseball team. i would deny it too, but that wouldn't really be my call. the paternity test finally revealed to the entire world that eddie's going to be a daddy...for the 8th time, not to mention he had to swallow a ton of media jibes and pokes and endure a certain blogger on an unknown island making fun of him. ta da! eddie, my boy, i think you just made the cut. *rounds of applause* denying that you fathered a child with a chick and then later letting the world find out that you are, in fact, the baby daddy, qualifies as embarrassing.#4 Tom Cruise
i know you've been waiting for it. aside from being l.ron's devoted deciple and an outspoken dickhead scientologist, he's also short. katie katie katie, he's not all that good looking and WAY overrated. well aside from his increasingly mediocre looks, he has had numerous embarrassing episodes. well, for someone in the media...we're not really surprised to see him here, are we dear readers?
Mr. Cruise, if his name isn't embarrassing enough, is short as well. he is 1.7 metres, but CLAIMS to be 1.75 metres. now now, im not that cruel as to dismiss short men. after all, you know what they say about short men: lacking in height, endowed with length. well, at the very least could you do girls that aren't cowering over you? maybe that's your thing, i don't know... poor poor katie has to wear flip flops during her wedding because of your little defect. even your ex-wife, nicole, resents you for denying her the simplest of feminine pleasures. not that, you sick bastards. i meant heels. really...
remember that refined, cool, gravity defying guy that hung down from ceilings in mission impossible, yes, the one where every spy movie tried to parody and achieve the same scaled orgasm from women? well...sorry to break it to you girls, he's off jumping on Oprah's couch on prime time sundays now. least he could do was take off his shoes. how rude. oh yeah he was also allegedly gay. nope, i didn't make that one up. one can only imagine what kind of relationship L.ron and him would've forged. yes, a truly spiritual one. so tell me reader, how cool is he NOW? muahahahaha, defiling one jackass at a time. embarrassing, isn't he? who'd want to shag him now?? muahahahahahah. i also have a feeling that he's shooting blanks.....you know, come to think of it, his one and only biological child, Suri, looks kind off...oriental. anyone else notice that? hmm...
#3 Britney Spears
okay i couldn't help myself. outdated and old news, but embarrassing. deeply. truly. absolutely. it was just a domino effect with her. one after another, and let's face it we're jackasses who lovd every single moment of her downfall. initially, instead of just her i wanted to put in nipple slips by janet jackson, natalie portman, tara reid, kirsten dunst etc etc etc. BUT i thought there were too many, its not embarrassing anymore. why not just target on the weak and helpless...by that i mean britney. in fact i think she's had nipple slips AND pussy slips. fair trade off, i say...
act 1. married high school sweet heart for about 50 hours before getting a divorce.
act 2. married k.fed, white guy doing the black guy thang.
act 3. had 2 babies on after another.
act 4. in the process she lost her leotard body and became just a normal fat lady with 2 kids. totally lost the spark.
act 5. let her nipple slip.
act 6. divorced the father of her 2 babies, k.fed
act 7. goes partying with paris hilton and let's her pussy slip.
act 8. SHAVES HEAD BALD
tada!! see how i built that up? yup the bald head was the inchilata.
act 9. tries to make a comeback, builds everyone up for it and then shows up FAT.basically what im TRYING to say is that scene 2 of her whole fucking life is an entertaining embarrassment. yup. well she still kinda doesn't top the charts. you'd think she would, but she doesn't.
#2 Lafayette Ronald Hubbard
you may ask, why is this fucktard here? come now, you know i just can't let religious leaders be. you know better than to read my blog if you want clean humour and digs at people who are alive enough to defend themselves. before you google him, i'll save you the trouble. he's better known as L. Ron Hubbard, founder and follower of Scientology. i was really tempted to put up jesus here but he didn't exist so anything embarrassing that he said or people say he said didn't exist either. so he's spared. occasionally im charitable yeah...okay again im kinda sorta cheating. i didn't really know who this alien fucker (literally, to him anyway) was until Tom Cruise opened our eyes to the...um...religion that is Scientology.for once i have to agree that christianity isn't the most ridiculous religion that ive ever heard of. so imagine the type of fucktard that our friend l. ron (sounds like a rap star) would have to be to come up with a religion that is even more insane than christianity. makes all the rest of the religions pale in comparison. seriously, you have to hear the horseshit that this guy comes up with. its so ludicrous that you HAVE to believe the bull that he spews. of course, him being a fiction writer considerably helps his cause. if anyone on this planet earth (or even on his planet, Xenu) has anything to be embarrassed about, its this guy. come to think of it, #1 has nothing on this guy.
before i outline some of the finer details of scientology, i would like to state that i am not making this fuck up. if i was wrong, it would be wiki's fault, so there. i think that took care of all those lawsuits waiting to happen. here's some details of the cult that tom cruise's poor unwitting oriental baby had to join:
it is, according to its own texts, "the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others and all of life."- wow, sounds like a definitive answer to all the questions about life i've been having.
"man is a spiritual being whose existence spans more than one life and who is endowed with abilities well beyond those which he normally considers he possesses." -im literally trying to summon the mug of milo on my desk to me. come on! move milo! move! damn, maybe i need to monitor my thetan levels better. hmm.
In Scientology no one is asked to accept anything as belief or on faith; the tenets of Scientology are expected to be tested and seen to be either true or not by Scientology practitioners. "That which is true for you is what you have observed to be true." -holy shit! a 'religion' that DOESN'T need faith?? where can i join?? better ask my dad to give that money he saved up for my university course right now eh...waaaaait a minute...lets stop right there for moment... im paying to come up with MY OWN answers? WTF you aren't going to tell me dumbass??!!
It is believed in Scientology that Scientology will only work when it is applied in its pure form as Hubbard intended. -well that really makes it quite believable, doesn't it? it only works the way you say it works. in retrospect, christianity looks way more appealing to me right now. so mild, to say the least.
The Scientology Axioms are a condensation of all Scientology data until 1954. Examples of these include:
- Axiom 1 Life is basically a static.
- Axiom 4 Space is a viewpoint of dimension.
- Axiom 21 Understanding is composed of affinity, reality and communication
-explaining one unexplainable nugget of confusion with another. way to go clear things up for me l.ron, i'll be sure to join...
Perception and worship of God is a personal matter. The Church of Scientology is non-denominational. Scientologists worship God as they choose. -marketable, no? you can have more than one religion. its like multiple choice, except that there's no wrong answer.
the rest of the bull shit is on wikipedia. did i mention l.ron's son commited suicide? hmm...i wonder why? here's tip to those thinking of starting a religion: just because your religion SOUNDS like science (mainly because you're putting "science" in front of whatever you're going to call it) DOES NOT MEAN that its fucking science. science is human crap that actually makes sense. dear reader, does alien invasions and "thetan levels" sound like fucking science to you? if it does, i hate to break it to you, but i think you're a scientologist (notice its NOT "scientist", maybe because its NOT science).
DRUM ROLL PLEASE.....
#1 Sheryl Crow
we all know who she is, especially after she dated lance armstrong and got breast cancer shortly after he dumped her. she's actually a singer and songwriter as well darlings. surprise! i think the singer thing actually came first...wait did it?? hang on, let me check wiki...yeah it did. well how was i supposed to know? i don't listen to "folk music"...what is that anyway? plus she's as old as my grandmother's bras...my point being there's really no reason for me or anyone else to know who she is until...
she, as with all media whores these days, started caring about the environment and stuff. now look here weblog reader, i love the planet as much as the next person (the people dwelling on it...not so much). i may be a racist pompous git and all, but i give a shit about global warming and all that new age stuff too. sheryl, on the other hand, really takes it to the next level. apparently she's saving the planet one toilet paper square at a time.
Perception and worship of God is a personal matter. The Church of Scientology is non-denominational. Scientologists worship God as they choose. -marketable, no? you can have more than one religion. its like multiple choice, except that there's no wrong answer.
the rest of the bull shit is on wikipedia. did i mention l.ron's son commited suicide? hmm...i wonder why? here's tip to those thinking of starting a religion: just because your religion SOUNDS like science (mainly because you're putting "science" in front of whatever you're going to call it) DOES NOT MEAN that its fucking science. science is human crap that actually makes sense. dear reader, does alien invasions and "thetan levels" sound like fucking science to you? if it does, i hate to break it to you, but i think you're a scientologist (notice its NOT "scientist", maybe because its NOT science).
DRUM ROLL PLEASE.....
#1 Sheryl Crow
we all know who she is, especially after she dated lance armstrong and got breast cancer shortly after he dumped her. she's actually a singer and songwriter as well darlings. surprise! i think the singer thing actually came first...wait did it?? hang on, let me check wiki...yeah it did. well how was i supposed to know? i don't listen to "folk music"...what is that anyway? plus she's as old as my grandmother's bras...my point being there's really no reason for me or anyone else to know who she is until...
she, as with all media whores these days, started caring about the environment and stuff. now look here weblog reader, i love the planet as much as the next person (the people dwelling on it...not so much). i may be a racist pompous git and all, but i give a shit about global warming and all that new age stuff too. sheryl, on the other hand, really takes it to the next level. apparently she's saving the planet one toilet paper square at a time.
i think you can sorta tell i was looking for pictures looking most like she was doing the big onehere's what blondie had to say: "a limitation should be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting” and perhaps “just washing that one square out". and its "alright to use 2 or 3 squares just for those pesky little situations."
...well either her crotch is really really (really) small (i highly doubt so, im sure it would take lance less than 3 years to realise...um...any technical malfunctions? either that, or lance junior's equally miniaturised) or she'd soon be going to her doctor for syphilitic genitals as well. i don't know about you, dear reader, but i would much rather have global warming run us down into the ground than a syphilitic crotch. but hey, while she definitely makes it on the list, you got to give her props for the whole cancer thing. i hear radiation kills brain cells too, you know. well, at least she didn't suggest sharing the loo roll.
i was not disappointed is all i can say *ahem*
WOW, that was bloody long. see... my posts don't have to involve me whining about my day and miserable life in order for them to be stellamatic.
...well either her crotch is really really (really) small (i highly doubt so, im sure it would take lance less than 3 years to realise...um...any technical malfunctions? either that, or lance junior's equally miniaturised) or she'd soon be going to her doctor for syphilitic genitals as well. i don't know about you, dear reader, but i would much rather have global warming run us down into the ground than a syphilitic crotch. but hey, while she definitely makes it on the list, you got to give her props for the whole cancer thing. i hear radiation kills brain cells too, you know. well, at least she didn't suggest sharing the loo roll.
i was not disappointed is all i can say *ahem*
