if you are waiting for the "highly anticipated" third installment of the high school musical "saga", you, my friend, are a prick. you probably started watching it because it was on Disney during lunchtime, but NOW you're just watching it for zac efron's chizelled body (which i suspect he got from a certain unsuspecting airbrush). oh don't start acting all coy NOW, ladies and some gents who like it up the back door. just admit that you're a victim of media superficiality and get on with life. im sure you'll toss that life-sized poster of vanessa hudgens and zac efron locked in an embrace while gazing at a 45 degree angle at god knows what eventually. oh and don't forget that oh so lovable doe eyed twinkled gaze, again, at god knows what. i think you can probably guess where im coming from when i list these films. high school musical (and the 4 billion 12 year old girls with absolutely no life screaming away fanatically) induces anger and thoughts of killing myself. i swear that zac efron is really asking for a castration. and ONE DAY he's going to get what's coming to him. oh yeah, you twats probably just looooove the jenny's brothers too. or was it joey's brothers...hmm... what a conundrum...
now we all know that movies were the building blocks of popular culture. without Monroe, there wouldn't be Manson. without Hepburn, there wouldn't be Hewitt. the list goes on...but i just can't think of anymore that alliterate nor has a ring. however, with the recently expanding movie industry, a stream of movies made for white trash is creeping into theatres. while this may be america's way of flaunting their democracy, but some of these movies really deserve to be shoved back up hollywood's (alternatively disney's) rear end. *cough cough* high school musical *cough cough*
come now, im not a mean little bitch (oi! stop snickering). the independent film industry is growing and it has managed to eject out some really good films. if only it would grow fast enough to engulf hollywood completely. hollywood would finally become hollygood. no? too corny? bah...! let us now begin, drum roll please... here are 5 films that will grind your mind (shit, im doing it again aren't i? bah bah!) Be forewarned, spoilers ahead!
5) the passion of the christ
if you have a weak mind that has even the remotest inclinations towards christianity, i beg you. please don't watch it. the world's population is already swarming with them, we don't actually want MORE. alas, i have to conclude that this is one fine film. it wouldn't be on the list otherwise arsewipes. i have to conclude, mel gibson is one bloody good director (actor...not so much. director...hubba hubba hello).
well, as the name suggests it chronicles the last few hours of jesus and shit (i feel compelled to add in a profanity for some twisted and warped reason that does not permit me to associate jesus with anything good). now since i myself have watched the film and did my research on trusty wikipedia, i would know that the movie was in hebrew (jew language), latin and aramaic. and holy shit, am i a sucker for foreign language films. for some reason foreign language films make everything sound a little more exotic and well... pretentious. and we all know, the world loves loves loves pretentious. it was, no doubt, a huge success in the box office even though it had no sponsors except mel gibson (im being sarcastic here). it was rated R and some countries even censored it. now one can only expect this to happen since there was anti-Semitism and violence toward JESUS in it.
i think some of you might be wondering, did this bitch really like the film or not?? well, it may not seem like it, but YES this anti-god did like it, albeit a little grudgingly. some of you may be going, "well well well, looks whose finally come around..." aha! that's where you're wrong, i said ii liked the film, but it was purely on a fictional basis. i mean jesus was portrayed as such a calm likable sort of lad. who wouldn't weep when his skin gets torn off his body? who wouldn't go soft when his mum nostalgically rushes over to her sun as she once did when toddler jesus one fell? come on!! right...what im trying to say is that the movie was excellent, thanks to the biased script (the bible) and the devout catholic director (mel, darling, we love you, but you love jesus too much.)would i watch it again? no, not really. christians might. but after you know what's going to happen, it sort of loses its edge. doesn't really make you cry for jesus anymore. what i would catch is if, mr-hot-bod james caviezel (guy who played jesus. i know, sick! but if you watched the movie, jesus in a loincloth would turn even the staunchest of anti-christs on, let alone chirstians. hell, it could even turn anti-christs into believers!! not me though. hmph.) acted in something else. one bloody good actor (if one was to play a clinically insane guy), i say. he acted in 'count of monte christo' as well, by the way. but, one can only imagine what sort of prick he has to be to play jesus so convincingly. but first, imagine how much fame and money he must have gotten for playing JESUS?! helloooo armani, good bye loincloth!
4) now let’s move on with the countdown with #4 garden state.
right, after a story about jesus, what could possibly beat that right? well, for us non-religious pricks, our movie range does extend a little further that those who are, in fact, religious pricks. yeah, i should probably stop here with christianity jabs. i apologise to everyone (except to the christians. okay okay. it ends NOW.)
garden state is an independent film. come on, you must have known by now that it’s going to be a movie list for independent films? it has scrubs lead actor, zach braff starring in it. believe it or not, he voiced over a disney animated film (chicken little) and still managed to be a decent actor. he's not hugh jackman and he's got a typical jew boy face, but playing 20-something year old broody guys that haven't managed to get past the final stage of puberty seems to be this guy's forte. he acted in the other independent film(low budget, crappily directed films also seems to be his thing) 'the last kiss' of the same genre but what helped garden state garner the extra points was the sound track...and well...natalie portman.
the whole story follows a typical indie film plot line. manboy depressed. manboy loses parent. manboy attends funeral. manboy reconnects with non-deceased parent. manboy grows up and fucks natalie portman along the way. what set the film above its counterparts is actually the acting. who doesn't love "the ugly guy" protagonist baring his soul? the audience just laps it laps up. now i didn't cry like i did for christ, but it did move me. and let me tell you guys, im a mountain (figuratively speaking bitch) in this area particularly. the acting and the wittiness of the scripts coupled with the relatability of the film really rolled in the greens for this indie flick.now the soundtrack, as beta mentioned, is the BOMB. featuring lovely tracks like frou frou's let go and the shins' new slang, hell, the movie has even won an award for it. hmm, imagine that...they give awards out for featuring songs that other people have sung. well, since they have such awards, i think it’s almost alright that it went to garden state. a little fun fact: zach braff chose the songs himself.
while i don't think im ever going to regard braff as anything more that a B-list actor, i was impressed that both his attempts at some real acting was immensely successful. natalie portman seemed to really help his cause. oh well, we'll see...3) jeux d'enfants(french) aka. children's games (english) aka. love me if you dare
now i haven't actually watched the film, but before you slag me of as a poser who recommends pish posh pretentious french films without actually viewing them, here me out here. the story actually is quite witty in a unique dark way. "oh if its such a good film, why didn't you watch it then?" well... the protagonists kinda die at the end. yes yes, im one of those people who like to read the epilogue and last few pages of books to know if it’s an "alls well that ends well" moment. well, it’s different with jesus. urgh, you must hate me...well what's new? what im trying to say is that, if you are in search of a good film and don't mind the main characters of the book dropping dead (by choice, there i spoilt it for you), by all means, please do watch it. i urge you for this list serves no other purpose.
right so in this case, i'd rather not neatly summarise for you (or rather im too lazy). the usefulness of wikipedia comes into play here. tada! instant plot summary that requires only the efforts of your right click, copy and paste function:
The games (jeux) begin when Julien and Sophie are children (enfants), but as they grow older they intensify and become more twisted and dangerous. Although they are in love with each other, the game later dictates their future, and the dare even goes as far as hurting and tricking each other.
The overarching theme is of a struggle between childhood playfulness and the expectations of the adult world: the characters age significantly over the course of the film, and Julien is forced — several times — to pick between the rose–coloured world of fun represented by Sophie, or the expectations, demands, and successes of the adult world represented by his father and his eventual wife and children. Sophie, meanwhile, is content to live her life — as she puts it "a cream puff", becoming a trophy wife to a successful football player. Nonetheless, she keeps returning to Julien, despite her superficial satisfaction with what she has. like all the other films i feature, this one has a rating. most probably because of the french profanities (ooh la la) and sex scenes (yeah yeah, which french movie doesn't have them?). nothing you pervy lot haven't seen already, i suppose. (damn, i seem to have a remarkable way with insulting people don't i?)
right, this film is saved away in my bookmarks folder for when i get a boyfriend and he boyfriend dumps me leaving me to feel terribly distraught. it would probably make me cry more tears than jesus ever would. oh yeah, forgot to mention even though it should be obvious... it’s a romantic comedy... albeit a little warped one.
2) right we're closing in on number on #1. this was truly a toss up since they were both watched within days of each other and both qualify to be under the genre "mind fuckery". still, a list is a list and this little blogger has to make the very difficult decision of choosing between them.
at #2 we have eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. well, it shouldn't really be a surprise since ive previously mentioned that it was going to be on the list and it still hasn't ranked in yet. not to mention ive been going on about it for quite some time now. i finally managed to catch this film at MM's pad after we rented it together. well, i realise im always a few years too late to the "indie movie raving" party (99.99999% of the time due to censorship and RATINGS!!! grr...). on the other hand, the party for eternal sunshine of the spotless mind never really ended and it probably won't end for quite some time. that's because it’s a good film unlike a certain disney flick with real life walking talking barbie and ken dolls *cough cough*high school musical*cough cough*.
the movie in itself was blessed with a genius director. with some very creative music videos for canadian poprock band hot hot heat and english indie grunge rock band, the vines under his belt, french director michel gondry has managed to weasel his way out of the public's eye until ESOTSM (its so good, im going to give it an acronym). his 2001 film, human nature, was not nearly celebrated as much as ESOTSM despite its more commercial genre, comedy. when ESOTSM came out, all his previous genius work resurfaced. okay, i'll admit it, i too was quite unaware of such brilliance (not that i would be better of in some way by knowing so much about popular culture. damn, talk about wasted brain data).
on to the film then, shall we? ESOTSM is quite deep with a life lesson. imagine that, a movie that actually teaches you something? must be shit... well no actually, it wasn't. what i really enjoyed was jim carrey who portrayed his character with so much flair. normally you'd see him leaping from mountain to mountain with a pet money (ace adventurer) or adorning a whacky costume in the name of comedy (batman, the mask), but this time he played such a serious character. believe it or not, he was good at it. his compelling performance as straight laced joel was adorable to watch. it was his eyes...very expressive.
the plot (again, michel gondry, fuck you bastard!! trust you to suck all the talent from this world) was unique as well, with a little help from a fictional made-up medical procedure. most good movies have no element of truth in them see... that's the key to making any good movie. the best example would be...no wait...control yourself...you promised you'd stop...right, moving on before i change my mind, the story featured a medical procedure that could erase selected memories of a person or event with some gadget that if explained it would become far less impressive. clementine, played by kate winslet, goes for the procedure to forget her boyfriend on impulse. she goes on to live her life as usual after the procedure, with the one big difference: she had no memory of her relationship with joel. when joel finds out sue to a series of events like most movies, he's understandably depressed. i mean think about it, your girlfriend of 2 years hates you so much that she doesn't even want to remember you? what an ego buster. that or you're just one big piece of grimy testosterone filled shit. on impulse, Mr. broody here goes for the procedure as well.
the movie is basically taking place in his mind most of the time. he film tracks each of joel's memory of clementine, starting from the most recent (which happens to be the worst) all the way to the first time they met. this is where some very fancy special effects comes in due to michel "fuckin brilliant" gondry directing. he manages to portray joel's mind as a tapestry, and as the doctor tracks, pins down and deletes his mind's fondest most precious memories, it unravels itself. the movie soon slumps into joel feeling desperation in his comatose state as he desperately tries to keep his memories of clementine after realising how much they mean to him. the bits in his mind were the best bits and also the most comedic.
all in all, it’s a romantic comedy for people not too keen on the romance bit. in other words, it’s for people with an active brain that is willing to be shocked, excited and fucked with.1) again, way tooo late to the party. but only because of the fucking R21 restriction. drum roll please for the movie that got genius production ESOTSM beat... it's pan's labyrinth (aka. El laberinto del fauno, literally The Labyrinth of the Faun) that takes the spotlight on today's list. believe it or not, i caught this spanish film only when it premiered on the local arts central channel equivalent, okto. well, it was definitely a good start for the noob channel. we'll see if subsequent shows meet my standards. in any case pan's labyrinth totally makes the cut.
well you could call this indie film a fairytale for adults. first off, that's the only people they'd allow into the fucking theatres (can you tell im pissed?), but more importantly, it was because the filmography used was supermegafucking lethal. if i didn't know any better, i'd think that they were filming a string of horror sequences. oh wait i do, and they were. it was scary scary scary man. and you know im not shitting you when i repeat things thrice despite the obvious errors in grammar. nonethless the setting and backdrop was perfection, really got you into it man. the 12 year old actress herself (a little old to be cast in a fairytale in my opinion) was bloody good at looking horrified (as would any good actress cast in a horror flick). now let's analyse the plot.
the storyline is set in spain during the spanish civil war. their choice was not in the least bit surprising as 12 year olds from any other time could not possibly have an active imagination. the closest a child in the 21st century could come to creativity is dreaming about living in GTA land. right, so the story revolves around this girl named ofelia who has a wild imagination that allows all sorts of shit into her mind. she has a miserable life with her widowed mum and hence, reads a lot of fiction to get away from reality. her mum, one day, decides she's lonely and goes off to marry this horrid bastard who also happens to the captain dictating the war.
on her way to the captain's house, ofelia discover this stick insect that she believes to be a fairy. its a great leap in logic but what can you expect eh? she discovers the same insect at the captain's house and she decides to chase it. honestly, you'd believe she was 5 or something. the insect leads her into a labyrinth. well, wadya know, the stick insect was a fairy. what are the chances eh? it is at the labyrinth where this fugly "fawn" introduces himself into the plot. in a little predictable fairytale way, ofelia is told by the faun that she is a, surprise! princess. wait, not just a princess, but THE princess of the great big ol' underworld. the fawn actually looks like the villain in the story. ugly people usually are, but in this case the fawn tells her that in order for her to reclaim her spot in as princess in the underworld, she has to do a series of tasks for him to prove herself. suspicious, no?
well, its the whole suspense as to where the fawn is leading ofelia to that grips and captivates you, thereby taking you on the journey with her. part of you also keeps wondering, particularly towards the end, as to whether or not this whole shin dig is taking place in ofelia's mind. firstly, the fawn first appeared when ofelia was in somewhat reduced circumstances. secondlly, a scene towards the end seems to suggest that only ofelia could see the fawn. and then there's always the good ol' reliable fact that fawn's and fairy stick insects don't ACTUALLY exist, not even in the 1944 run down spain. not to mention, everyone in the movie keeps tellling her that she's a self-delluded little pussy. actually even at the end, you begin to wonder if she's hallucinating the whole thing, again as a way for her mind to keep up with the incidences of the civil war and her traumatic childhood after living in poverty and losing her father.i suppose that's up to the audience to decide. i obviously decided that since its a fairytale (even if its for adults), its going to be a happy ending. plus, i didn't want to depress myself with the thought that stupidity gets little girls killed. seriously, watch it. you'll love it. it's mind fuckery at its best darlings...
well well well, lookie what we've got here...we're got another massive blogpost all done up with pictures and shit. now, doesn't that look like i put in effort instead of my usual rants? what does that tell you? well, i'll tell you what it should tell you...STOP WATCHING HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL AND START WATCHING PROPER MOVIES LIKE THE ONES I'VE MENTIONED SO THAT YOU DON'T LOWER YOU IQ POINTS ANYMORE THAN YOU ALREADY HAVE!!! yes! watch something intelligent once in a while instead of ken and barbie going at it in a musical (a crap musical by the way). you're far better of with jesus! and this coming from someone like me...you better believe it, you fat fuck. get off that counch and go rent a good movie once in a while. hell, even porn would have more utility than the high school musical saga. ooooooh not happy that im taking the piss out of your dreamboat? ah... sod off pussy! pissed that im ragging on your happy little fetish of maturbating to the OST of high school musical? well welcome back from la la land dick. angry that i've actually handpicked 5 much better movies as alternatives to your crap $7.50 pre-booked tickets to high school musical 3? well clearly, i mean clearly, you've got issues from your childhood that you have yet to settle fucktard.
to everyone who doesn't watch high school musical, have a good day. to everyone who does, get yourself checked for fuck's sake.
