hello there.
had a chem paper this morning that went surprisingly not bad. hoping for a D. aaah, if only... oh yeah, i need a econs tutor badly coz i suck at it and think that econs is all over-generalised bull. if you know someone or are one, email me.
i was so tired this morning before the paper that i had to take a shower without the lights on because my eyes felt like golf balls pressing against my brain. i couldn't sleep last night because i spent the better part of it re-living every past embarrassing moment in my life. ever have one of those episodes? just on the cusp of nodding off... this little portion of your brain that you keep tucked away, buried under a mound happy and safe memories suddenly jabs you with fresh remembrance (and searing hot embarrassment)?
and so i tossed and turned, burying my head in the pillow, yelling into it, forcing myself to think of something else chemistry-related (but then the more i tried the more i remembered of course). physically contorting myself, kicking of the blanket and then suddenly feeling completely naked... what must people have thought of that awkward version of me?? urgh... fresh waves of repulsion and hatred for myself. gross. eeew. yuck. even now I'm making a face...
ARGH! how did anyone ever love me in my prepubescent awkwardness?? from moral reproach to teenage angst to pettiness to adolescent crushes. will the list never end? lying there having flashbacks of incidents that must have subconsciously defined me somehow is painful, horrifying and totally tormenting. it's like all my past crap manifested itself in a horrible twisted scaly monster of a being, prodding me with a gnarly grotesque fingernail every time i try to forget.
"oi oi. remember that time... oh you know... that time you made a birthday card out of paper and colour pencils. and then even had the cheek to give it to boy B? yeah you know boy B... no don't act like you forgot... yeah, that one. the one that never made fun of you for being a prefect and even let you copy his homework? remember what that supposedly sweet boy did to your card? remember? remember? he used it as rough paper for math! HAHA! he might as well have thrown it in the bin, which is where it should have been in the first place! aaaah don't think I'll let you forget.... nope never ever ever, not in a million years. not even when you're on your deathbed. not even when you're lathering yourself with soap in the shower. nope, not now not EVER! muahahahahahahaha ahahahaha"
"ooooh and what about that time... when your mother forced you to cut your hair so short you could see your scalp? oh of course you remember, you cried because you looked like a boy! even the canteen drinks stall aunty called you 'ah boy'."
i protest at this point. 'it's too much' i say... 'no more, no more' i yell... 'leave me alone!' i cry...
"oh but nandhini, that was just the beginning of the story! pray let me tell! you forget about the part where you came home to an empty house..."
NOOOOOOOO! STOP! i hate you i hate you i hate you!
"and you snuck into your sister's room"
lalalalalalalalalalala i don't want to hear! lalalalalalalalala
"and took her pom poms made out of pink raffia string for her school project. oh you remember what you did with them didn't you? it was the silliest thing!"
at this point i'm too tired to protest. its too late... the memory and embarrassment sets in.
"you stuck them under your hairband and pretended it was hair! HAHAHAHAHA! you looked like a total idiot prancing about the house stroking the coarse raffia, tucking them behind your ear in a bid to look like a girl! AAHAHAHAHAHAHA! remember? remember? oh and your maid and mum came home to catch you in the act?? remember nandhini? remember? AHAHAHAHA! oh you fooooool!"
"or how about the time the boys in your class told you spermatozoa was the scientific name for tadpole? and then they asked you in front of everyone in class if you'd eat some if they gave it to you. and you just had to go and say yes because, oh yes! you just had to act cool. you just had to action bedeh! you just had to impress them and prove yourself to be their equal... AHAHAHAHAHA! you're pathetic! you're a loser! you're a totally pussified lumbering sad excuse for a human being!"
and i resign myself to it. 'i know', i say. 'but i'm different now... i don't care what other people think about me anymore!' i protest again.
"oh is that riiiiiight?? are you sure.....?"
'yes, im a changed person! i'm not like that anymore!'
"oh then how about just last week when you were secretly reading the breast enlargement advertisement... just after reading the slimming centre advertisement next to it? 15kg in two weeks. don't lie, i remember what you were thinking, nandhini! you were impressed and wanted to try it~~ remember? and then your dad walked past... tell me dear girl (the monster's suddenly from ireland, a little imagination here please), what did you do? what did you dooooo?? let's hear it..."
'i turned the page to the comics section so that he wouldn't know what i was looking at...' i say, embarrassed at how filthy i was, like i sold my soul.
"you can't hide from me you filthy fake. you can try but nope. i'm in your head. i'm everything you hate about yourself! EVERYTHING! you can't run bitch! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
emotinal trauma...aaah... so you see why i couldn't fall asleep. that little space in my brain where i keep that sonofabitch monster decided at that precise moment to unlock itself and remind me exactly how pathetic and sorry i should be to have been born. i even have a name for that cruel tormenting monster in my head. his name is gary.
gary is like a sibling to me. he's my evil twin... he was born innocent and lovely and sweet with me; he played with my umbilical cord with me; he fell asleep in my mother's lap with me; he had asthma like me; we even tortured my sister together; he liked everything i liked and hated everything i despised. gary and i shared every experience and aspect of my life. difference is that while i deflect, gary absorbs all things putrid, pessimistic and unpleasant about life so that i don't have to. as a result, gary happens to be the part of me which sees the ugly in everything, including myself.
he's the one that thinks about murdering my sister with a machete, pull a machine gun on the old farts that take fucking long to finish morning assembly and even administer a neck dislocation to that little bitch who cut my queue last week to buy 1 tube of mentos (the freshmaker). gary's the one who thinks he can do kungfu, and that he has a collection of knives, shurikens and every sort of missile on the planet that even hitler's reincarnate would be spoilt for choice. gary's a narcissistic little bugger that dictates my self-confidence and my insecurities. he's the source of my hatred for all things fluffy, pink and happy.
gary, like any other annoying entity in my brain, is, in a nutshell, a neurotic psychotic bastard who keeps me alive only for food and water. i could do very well without that dysfunctional, semi-alcoholic, semi-suicidal, atheistic gary in my brain, but what fun would i be eh?
maybe next time i'll tell you about daffodil, she's a sarcastic, Harley-riding, nasty bitch who dreams of dying in a skydiving accident.
