song to say goodbye

its been a tough few weeks. its taking more and more effort for me to get back on the horse when i fall off. it isn't just profuse sweating of the eyeballs and a quick sweep up anymore. its the emotional baggage that i carry around for all to see. its happening all over again.

everything sets me off. its so bipolar: one minute its super inexpressible sadness and the next is a quiet calm which then takes me to rage. forgiveness is so of the scale.

its like i can't rely on anything or anyone anymore. i forget to be the way i am sometimes.

dear gods, help me. numb me until we're in the clear of A levels. help me to believe that my feelings of insignificance are significant to you guys. exams are approaching fast. i can't deal with them if i feel like everyday is a hurdle. i pray for alleviation of all this negativity (and also for you guys to exist). cheers, your humble cybercreeper, me.

~!@#$%^&*()

there is self-expression in everything we say, act or do. everything is deliberate. everything says something about you, even nothing. we're all bloody onions trapped within layers and layers of skins, desperately willing someone to put us in the soil to grow. yet when the skins to come of... when the final layer peels away, we end up as nothing. nothing is left anymore except the skins that you pull away. so perhaps we are what we hide ourselves within. there's nothing more or nothing less there. what we show people is really who we are rather than who we claim to hide behind.

i think we all like this notion that there is more to us than meets the eye. come on, we're all guilty of this. we put up facades for other people to peel away at, yet when they get to the next layer and you don't like what they see, we claim that it is yet just another exterior, that there is more beneath. then the question arises, who are we then?

what we show others?

what we show ourselves?

a combination of both?

or maybe we're all sacks of meat, save for complex thought?

who am i, what am i really like? when i find out, will i like what i see? will it even matter if i don't? i don't want to be an onion. nor do i want to be defined in singularity.

i want my existence to be indescribable. i don't want my identity stripped down to simplicity. when i die to be food for the vultures, i want to be more nutritious than just an onion. i wanna be a power drink packing a punch.

jooooooooooooooooooo. sleepy.

my triangle

james blunt on my favourite show, sesame street...