irish blood, english heart

ok cyber stalkers!! here's a quickie for you starved vultures...

i love love love morrissey!!! he is GOD!! i know i know, im doing that creepy "i-wanna-be-his-pubes-so-that-i-can-at-least-be-near-his-cock" fangirl thing, BUT if only you'd listen to him... you'd melt like wax to a flame. anyone looking for something to listen to this christmas season, MORRISSEY baby... his songs can only be described as "upbeat" rhythm with socialist lyrics. i think there's a best of album somewhere in the works for you to sample this season. aside from being God, he was also the lead singer/front man of the now defunct 80s band, the smiths. if you're a fan of the smiths, you'll fuck yourself inside out over morrissey. check it out guys.

it's really about the music, i swear. oh alright, it's a little bit about the hair too...

also, it seems oprah has been operating a church for over a year now and people hate her. even her once screaming legions of black woman are condemning her to hell. all over some church?! well really, now that's crazy. it seems the church of oprah is for everybody, including non-christians. well we can see why people are going to have a problem with this: a church that includes everybody?! off with her head!

her church apparently advocates the idea that there is more than one way (through the acceptance of christ) of going to heaven. it seems oprah thinks that as long as you're a good person, you can ascend up to the highly ambiguous disco club called heaven. WHAT?! something that actually makes sense?? a christian who isn't delusing herself??? that's it... i've had enough of her shinanigans! i'm personally going to behead her and take her down to hell myself...

in other news, lindsay lohan is "officially" (whatever that means) dating DJ samantha ronson (mark ronson's sister). people have been giving her shit about this and grinding her ears of about her sexuality. is she a lesbian? is she straight? is she bisexual? oh dear dear, when will people ever learn to drop these superficial labellings?! really winds me up... come on guys, she's SLUTTY... sheesh, get it right...

bitch and butch. aaaw...

thailand has a new boytoy. whoops! i meant to say PM. replacing thaksin is abhisit vejjajiva (i made it a point to know how to spell his name. one of the many things to do under the influence of some festive weed). it's too bad for thailand though. now that they've replaced thaksin with a 500 times more boring guy, they're never going to get on the news in this lifetime. well, that's what you get when deter from 'american democracy' and play "clean politics". on the bright side, abhisit does have a kind of cute, baby face. oh yeah... AND he actually has a brain.

the aunty killer

britain's favourite spice, sticktoria beckham, has banned her husband from being interviewed by uber hot italian TV presenter who's known to dress with...shall we say... a certain disregard for the cold, in milan. the initial hour long interview was shortened to a humble 15 minutes after miss spice was done sinking her claws into her husbands "golden balls". oh vicky, you can keep becky all to yourself and maybe he'd eventually find out that he could do MUCH better than a washed up pop singer who resembles a stick insect and names herself after condiments and adjectives. speaking of which, wasn't there a spice girl reunion that was supposed to happen? guess not...

golden balls and sticktoria

twilight just opened in singapore and im sure millions of little girls and gay boys are going down to catch the flick. have fun watching your little vampire show for morons and pussies! im sure you'll enjoy the mind numbing story line, horrible acting by b-list actors and legions of 90210 extras. oh not to mention your typical everyday "girl likes boy, boy likes girl, boy is painfully unattainable due to some lame-ass reason (cancer, being dead, syphilitic genitals etc.), eventually boy and girl yield to temptation and decide to be together due to a sudden glich in the clause and/or because its a fictional book with absolutely no plausibility or realism at all and/or because its christmas(!)" storyline. yaaaaaawn...

lady and the vamp (and his mum. and his homies.)

and that's your journey through pop culture.

brothers and sisters

my younger sister's getting pretty mean and im battling my many urges to whoop her ass back into wherever she came from. grr. she's all hostile and hormonal and shit. man...

on day im going to stop being all buddha-like and pop! that'll show her that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. that's the day im going to bust out my dusty machine gun and nunchucks out from under my bed. grr... kill kill kill...

oh don't worry about my mental status though... i'll be rid of her soon...

on a less demonic note, i think i have a thing for men with political power. first obama and now for the new thai PM. come on, quite cute what... am i right or am i right?

the queen is dead

there are many a times when we are counseled by others. it seems strange when they pass judgment without accurate knowledge of your own circumstance. mortification, fueled by pride, guide us to shun counsel from others. after all, what would they know? no amount of age or experience can surmount to be equal to just one individual's incidence.

but one must consider first: is each encounter based solely upon such an incidence? isn't the foundation of an encounter a jigsaw made up of fragments of incidences? it is my guess that to solve any conflict, duality must be considered. and for that to happen, counsel must be heard, processed and assimilated. irregardless, its a great conundrum and paradox.

did you understand that? well, i did since i wrote it. but did you? my guess is: not one word. that's how pretentious, try to be smart, wannabe philosophical, just read twilight (had to add that in, the current raves over it has been pissing me off. in fact, i haven't been this pissed of since the introduction of zac efron to an army of nickelodean watching teeny boppers still attempting to ween off of their mummy's titties) people talk.

now sometimes... im not saying always... a certain group of people trying to divert our mindsets to believe in a certain something, talk like that as well. this is in order to give us poor wandering common idiots the illussion that they've got a massive brain and that they're right (all the time). and us poor common idiots, unaware of this tactic find ourselves lulled into subconsciously thinking that if we talk and act the way they do, believe in things they do... we'll be miraculously transformed into seemingly well-read pretentious aristocrats as well. so for regular common idiots like us, we need to be AWARE of it happening. okay children, guess who's going to help you dissociate from these pretentious morons today??? that's right... ME! you can take it as a GP lesson in life from me. now now, i promise im not a bonnet wearing, aunty clothes adorning, stick in the mud, prude tutor who's every word is like madonna's pussy (flaky and as dry as sandpaper).

some of you might have thought the 2 paragraphs to be SUPER DUPER CHIM. well, you'll have it bluntly pointed to you that, in fact, it is idiotically simple if not for clumsily thrown in absurdly unnecessary words. now, unfortunately for us cyber dwellers, we are forced to put up with some of our peers more emotive posts when they choose to share their pain, agony and teenage woes of not being able to be isabella [yesh yesh the one that snogs the heart throb vampire (and later gets impregnated by him. aha! spoiled it for you, have i? muahahahaha) even though they are separated by the apparently not so fine line between life and death in the book (now probably an undeservedly award winning movie *gasps for air*] with us through their indecipherable blog posts. i have kindly taken it upon myself to mock them and educate you instead, so shut up.

okay now let's take a look at the 2 paragraphs.

there are many a times when we are counseled by others.

the "a" there is of no point at all unless we're still stuck in victorian times or writing a jane austen parody or we're being PRICKS. "counseled" is also a word not used in everyday speech, let alone writing. advised would have meant the same but all the chimness will be drained out now, won't it?

"others": simply emo and VAGUE. for chrissakes, we're not directing a sodding M. night shyamalan movie. by not being specific, it gives the impression aloofness and other wordly, like you have insight on things the rest of us don't. not to mention, it also gives the impression that "oooh its just me against the world. nobody cares for me blah blah blah" you're damn right, nobody gives a flying fuck about you, you piece of pocket flint! get over it.

it seems strange when they pass judgment without accurate knowledge of your own circumstance. mortification, fueled by pride, guide us to shun counsel from others.

circumstance is a relatively long word but it isn't an altogether difficult word now issit? but when you read the whole sentence, it give the sentence a grandeur ending and weight the length of the sentence must be taken into consideration. the longer it is, the more out of breadth you are. less oxygen to the brain means you can't make sense of what it says aka. a possibly intelligent sentence. in reality the exact meaning of the sentence is: "i don't give a fuck what anybody else says so piss off."

the second sentence is just a waste of space: the simple use of 2 commas, 1 long word and a metaphor (or was it imagery). voila! we've got an intelligent sounding sentence. simple as that, anybody, even me, can do it. so when someone says to you anything resembling it, just go "HAH?" and piss the pants of them. heh.

but fact remains, no amount of age or experience can surmount to be equal to just one individual's incidence.

many a times we see people using the word "fact" to a) lengthen their sentence b) show that they know real life actual facts and c) convince people of their argument after seemingly using logic.

"fact" suggests that it is universally proven and that there is substantial evidence and research done for it to be absolutely true. it is this knowledge that intimidates us from questioning and contradicting this information lest it truly be a "fact".

exhibit B: fact remains that its a 'fear and conquer' technique used by many religious leaders and even on occasion hitler. here, i was merely stating a personal opinion, but see how i made everybody go 'ooooh', 'aaaaaah' and 'issit'? gonna think twice about using that around me huh? i swear i'll catch you on it and its going to be like in primary school when a bully pulled down your pants to show your unwashed yellowing briefs to everyone. HEH!

moving on: "surmount to" lengthens the sentence and makes you sound smarter by displaying the correct use of the term. not to mention its also ABSOLUTELY REDUNDANT, but what the hell? as long as you sound smart even though sentence means the same with our without it (im being ironic and sarcastic here).

"individual incidence" explains itself really: alliteration gives a ring to it, 'incidence' also rhymes with a lot of other smart words (countenance, providence, abbrevience etc. i'd like to add that none of these words' full meanings are known to me. especially countenance. maybe i'll look it up eh?) even though this word's meaning is simple and straightforward.

tired yet? here comes paragraph 2... why don't you go grab yourself a drink and consider this a page marker? coz that's what im going to do...

but one must consider first: is each encounter based solely upon such an incidence?

first off, i'd like to point out that i using "one" to address a general person makes you sound very posh, sooo very posh that its practically a joke that even posh spice will crease her botox injected face to laugh. no one actually uses it in this day and age without sounding like a pompous fruit tart OR like an infomercial for posh english breakfast tea/german-made cars.

one needs an imagination for this one. think stephen fry or gary oldman...

Exhibit B: one does not feel truly alive enough to start their morning without a fresh cup of premium cup of earl grey. mmm....
Exhibit C: one cannot feel truly adventurous without one's new VW Scirocco to start their trip to anywhere... in the world. volkwagen. das auto.

SEEEEEEEEEEEE... everything sounds so pish posh. just dropping "one" here and there totally makes the narrator seem like he's sitting there drinking earl grey in his new volkswagen decked out on persian carpet. urgh! really, who talks like that?? who exactly does "one" refer to? for fuck's sake! its either just YOU or ME... there's really no surprise there...

that brings me to "such an": really? you've gotta be fucking kidding me... there's nothing to refer to... you're talking about nothing, and then refering to nothing. couldn't you just simplify the whole thing and just tell me what you're talking about so that i can rightfully take the piss out of you for what you're moaning about instead of how you're moaning about it?

isn't the foundation of an encounter a jigsaw made up of fragments of incidences?

reiterating a question with the same question phrased in a different way, chock full of fancy mataphors. oldest trick in the book to get people to listen to the shit that comes out of you. not to mention the cheesy description, metaphors, symbols and imagery. "jigsaw made up of fragments" its so easy to call on this one, and yet it sounds soooo smart you can't. i could use the exact same trick and then maybe you'll learn to snap out of you awe...

Exhibit B: life is like a roll of toilet paper when you're having diarrhea. you just take and take and take, and can never give anything back.
Exhibit C: vaginas are like rambutans, there's hair on the outside and sweet juicy fruit on the inside.
Exhibit D: parents are like dildos, we use them when we need them, but hide them when our friends come over.

should i go on? metaphors, similies and all that other stuff leads to vagueness, makes no sense, can be applied to anything if tried hard enough and totally makes you sound ARTSY FARTSY AND INTELLIGENT. do not be fooled! any fucker with a sub zero IQ can get away with talking like a jackass. sigh... i feel like im taking the world upon my soldiers by trying to educate you guys...

it is my guess that to solve any conflict, duality must be considered. and for that to happen, counsel must be heard, processed and assimilated.

"guess": fools you into believing the person is being agreeable and endears you to them because they're 'uncertain' of their convictions. aaaaw a baby. how cute... it doesn't know what its saying... WAIT A MINUTE... duality "must be" considered, counsel "must be" heard? what is this sudden tone of absoluteness that i hear? did you see the trick to make you succumb to nonsense? didya? didya? and isn't "duality" another one of 'em fancy scmancy words for - both sides? almost had me there... almost believed you to be a sweet unassuming lass who just wanted to discuss... her views. and so now you know. hmph.

irregardless, its a great conundrum and paradox.

ask yourself this: what does irreguardless mean exactly? think... think... think... can't figure it out? give up? come on... just say it. for meeee? it means NOT A BLASTED THING. no, you have mistaken me... it means absolutely nothing. no no, let's try this again. IT'S NOT A REAL FUCKING WORD! arseholes such as yourself use it in order to kick start your sentence with a long word, or use it in place of regardless to sound just a wee bit more pompous that the rest of us. go on, wiki this if you want. i ain't fucking you.

"regardless" already means something isn't worth regard (that's why the "less" is there) so adding the "ir" to it means... it's worth regarding again? made up words that sound like the queen's english is the best way to sound like a smarty pants. let's face it, you have no idea what it means and neither does anyone else. what better way to shove your little smarty aleck ideas down other people's throats than by using words that...get this... even the dictionaries haven't documented. you must be soooooo exclusive and special... NOT! you've got your perfect crime against english speakers everywhere right there...

"conundrum", "paradox", "providence" wow really bringing out the big ones for this huh? you may think that people who finish with long words with complex meanings are just so darn intelligent, but really you know what they're doing? they're trying to remember what their point was and since they have to fucking clue so they just add on think fat layers of empty 'caloried' words with unjustified meanings in order to confound you. in order to muddle you up in the pretense that they're emphasising their convictions. its going to take you a good week at least to bring yourself (or not all) to google these words to find out that they don't mean what you think they meant (or what they led you to think they meant. wow! that's a conundrum!).

by the time you do get around to finding out its meaning, they may be half way to oxford, england with their heinous crime gone unpunished. and when they do come back with the fancy schmancy accent, you can't tell them off! you can't pick on them! they've come with their posh accent and say "trousers" instead of "pants" and "mobile" instead of "handphone"! might as well equip yourself with know-how of ways people try to sound smart right now eh? then you can catch them on it or at least arm yourself against what they're saying...

that said, im getting that feeling again... you know? that feeling you get after doing a community service by euthanising your granny? aaaaah... clearly i need to hit the sheets. one truly adds rubbish in one's speech when one is tired... toodles lads and lasses.

we dance alone

don't do it. you know that thing you do at the end of every segment of your life? say goodbye to your friends, promising that you'll never forget them, how they'll always be there for you, how you'll meet up regularly and tell each other when you get boyfriends? well don't do it. screw it, im telling you its horseshit. its utterly perplexing why people do it.

all that hugging, that crying, that whining is bull. you'll get over it in an instant. and so will everybody else so don't bloody create a messy shin dig. accept the fact that it ends where it ends, you're never going to see 95% percent of these people again (voluntarily). you hug and weep and lie about how lonely its going to be not seeing their face everyday. let's face it, it really isn't all that lonely, is it? people move on with their lives almost immediately. that's how we're designed, that's how it works and that's how it should be... we hate faster than we love. we forget faster than we remember.

BUT AH! truth be told, you don't just simply thrust these acquaintances to the back of your minds. you prepare yourself to never meet them ever again and when you do meet them again by some divine encounter of absolute chance, you absolutely DREAD seeing these people again. admit it, you do... its thoroughly awkward and you'd much rather spend that time spent in awkward silence trapped in trench somewhere, counting the number of maggots that pass you by. and when you do talk to to them, awful AWFUL little memories of the past that's better left forgotten in your awkward teenhood comes up in inevitable small talk (we remeber my stand on small talk, don't we?) . its like a little midget crawled into your brain through your ears and picks away at your brain, bringing up excruciatingly mundane recollections of "THOSE times spent together".

so, really, don't do it... its pathetic, hypocritical and you're probably not going to mean it the very next week (or the very next instant). you're not going sodding cry rivers for the rest of your lives without them, nor are you going LEAP AND FUCKING BOUND with pure saccharine sweet bliss, squealing "i missed you!!!! <3<3" size="1">[as opposed to "omgawd im really going to miss the way we etc etc *cue to cry *cue to whine"] for that matter. why not just be honest and stick with: "it was an experience knowing you, i hope you amount to something in life so that i can spend my pathetic life telling everyone who'd listen that i know you when you're in the papers", because, really, that's all the "relationship" you want to be having with them.

perhaps its because i think that way that i have never cried or made humungous fusses during partings. you never really know how much (or how little) you're going to miss someone's presence in your life until some time after. pretending that that you do, (and [SURPRISE!!] its a lot) really just pisses people (me) off ([SURPRISE!!] its a LOT too). what ive learnt is that i shouldn't force myself to play along (which results in a conveniently significant drop in sickly hi-bye, touch and go acquaintances).

aha! which brings me to: if you make me hug you (and we're not all that close, nor ever will be in this or any other lifetime or form), i will imagine digging your eyeballs out with a tablespoon and using them as mufflers to deafen out the screams you'll be making when i use a butter knife to dig out your liver and kidneys. NOW imagine what i'd be imagining if we've never spoken a word to each other in all our encounters AND THEN you came over and gave me one of those "i'll miss you (not really)" hugs. i REALLY refrain from giving out unnecessary hugs (parting or otherwise) unless i mean it and i want to convey my deepest sincerest love/affections towards the hugee. they're practically worth money i tellya...

well that's the end of this post that's directed in tackling those nagging issues of false intimacy i have with some people and the world in general. really brings out some intimacy issues dunnit?